Boomerang Kids
Posted on October 4, 2014 by bob in April 2010
Baby Boomer parents are confronting a new boom – the return of their adult children to the nest. The 1960s community of free spirits has spawned a generation of boomerang kids, those unable or unwilling to cut the parental tether. Census data show that during the recession years (2007-2009) the share of Americans living in multi-generational households increased more among adults, ages 25 to 34, than among any other age group.
According to a recent Pew Research Center study, nearly one-in-three parents say an adult child has moved back home in the past few years because of economic conditions. High student loan debt, low-paying or non-existent jobs, and the high cost of living lead the list of reasons. Whatever the motivation, empty nesters are increasingly finding their bedrooms (and their garages) full.
As moms and dads, we’re delighted to be there for our kids — both emotionally and financially – to help them over a rough patch. To make this temporary return to the nest work to everyone’s satisfaction, however, it requires a bit of planning. If you’re wondering where to start, consider these suggestions.
Great Expectations
Before the first suitcase comes through the door or boxes are stored in your garage, discuss what each of you expects from this revised living arrangement.
“You want this to be a purposeful decision, not just a casual arrangement,” says Texas-based financial advisor Derrick Kinney. “Ask your child why she’s come to live with you. Help her articulate to you what she truly needs. Maybe it’s guidance in helping finding a job, or your counsel on another area.”
Dr. Susan Kuczmarski, Ed.D. agrees.
“This is the time to step back and establish more of a peer-to-peer relationship with your adult children. View your adult child as a young adult, not a child,” says the author of “The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go” (Bookends Publishing).
Have a family meeting to set clear expectations, write them down and have both sides sign it, suggests Kinney.
“Then your child will thrive in developing independence, building confidence and will be equipped to move on. Put a timeframe on your agreement,” he adds. “Say: ‘This is for 90 days and then we’ll evaluate how well it’s working for both sides.’”
What’s Their Plan?
Discuss your child’s short and long-term goals. Does he want to start a career and save money, prepare for graduate school or take a break from everything?
“Your child has moved back home because they don’t have any other options or their first choices didn‘t work out,” says Dr. Kuczmarski, the mother of three adult sons. “Help him develop a timetable to achieve his goal.”
Part of that plan should include a job-hunting section. According to Dr. Kuczmarski, it’s possible your college graduate hasn’t learned how to look for a job the right way.
“Don’t find him a job, but ask the questions . . . be a sounding board,” she advises. “Play the role of placement counselor and help him get over being uncomfortable about the job search. Give him leads to follow, encourage him to talk to peers about how they found their job. Remind him that in-person networking is one of the best ways to get the word out that you’re looking for work.”
House Rules
Having your adult child move back home requires adjustment on everyone’s part. You’ve gotten used to not planning dinner. Maybe your husband is fond of hanging around the house in his boxers. Whatever the reason for your child’s return, he will still have family obligations and household chores. Someone still has to take out the trash.
To preserve family harmony, sanity and dignity, Dr. Kuczmarski suggests mutually generate and mutually agree upon a new set of rules.
“Have your child pick a couple chores to be responsible for,” he says. “I encourage transcending gender – daughters can do car-related, yard-related or tool-related chores. Sons can cook, clean and do laundry.”
Discuss whether she can have dates over for dinner. What’s the sleeping arrangement if she has a friend spend the night? If your boomerang child wants to be out all night, is he expected to phone or text home? Common courtesy and mutual respect will assist in the process of laying down house rules that put your mind at ease.
Money, Money, Money.
The most successful situations have set the financial boundaries in advance. Discuss the terms by which your son or daughter will live at home again, advises Kinney.
“You don’t want to become the financial Pez dispenser for your children,” he says, “so that any time a handout is needed you automatically click cash out.”
According to Kinney, in situations where a formal agreement hasn’t been reached, the outcome is typically frustrating and unpleasant.
“Mom or dad feels taken advantage of and the relationship sours. Instead of bailing your child out, use this opportunity to develop a financial plan,” he says. “Through budgeting, he’ll learn how to pay down debt and avoid new debt.”
Charging Rent?
For some parents, the mere mention of charging rent draws outrage. Other parents feel that requiring rent – even a minimal amount – is needed preparation for living independently. According to the Pew Research Center, 48 percent of boomerang children have paid rent to their parents and nearly 90 percent say they help with household expenses.
“Asking your children to pay money should be based on their situation,” Kinney says. “If they’re using this time to get back on their feet, perhaps it isn’t necessary to add an additional financial burden, but if your child hasn’t demonstrated responsibility, insisting on paying rent, even a small amount, may be a good idea.”
Take Care of Yourself
Boomerang kids returning to the nest can strain your nest egg. Adult children have decades to build their financial security, while you may be only a few years away from your retirement date. Ironically, if you are not careful, you could end up financially dependent on them.
“It’s very important for parents not to run their home by guilt, but instead have guts,” says Kinney. “I see many clients who say to their kids: ‘OK come live with me.’ I encourage them to consider how that decision might negatively affect their lifestyle. Unlike when you’re a student, no one gives out loans for retirement.”
“You’re not the only parents whose kid decided to move back home,” reminds Dr. Kuczmarski. “In addition to the financial consumption that increases, parents need to know it’s not forever. Go out on your weekly date. Get out of the house. Keep your friendships active.”
Happy Horizons
Whatever arrangement you and your adult child agree to, stick to it. Studies show when both sides hold to their agreements and continue to respect one another, there will be fewer problems.
If things start to unravel, call a family meeting to discuss expectations and boundaries.
“Understand your emotions – there will be times that you may think you’re being too hard,” says Kinney, “but in reality you’re helping to prepare your child to be a responsible adult.”
Claire Yezbak Fadden is the mother of three millennial-generation sons. Follow her on Twitter@claireflaire.
