Relationship Wisdom: Laugh!
Posted on June 2, 2015 by bob in Features
After three marriages and another on the way, I’ve learned a thing or two about partnering. And since there’s nothing more comforting than finding that person who makes you laugh, shares your values and appreciates your flaws, here are nine things I’d tell my kids about nurturing the relationships they already have or attracting the ones they may be looking for now.
1) Almost everything is a laughing matter
The reason for most of the arguments you’ll ever have will be forgotten long before they are resolved. So find a reason to laugh through the difficult times. That includes medical emergencies and life-threatening illnesses. Being able to find the light-heartedness in almost every situation will save you from needless heartache. It’s also a lot more enriching to be able to look back on what made you laugh in life than what almost derailed you.
2) Making the bed is a sign of love
I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase, “It’s the little things that count.” It’s so true. So why not take turns making the bed for each other? Better yet, fold the laundry and put the clothes away. You know how great it feels when you come home to find your clothes all neatly folded and put away in the proper drawers, or your socks folded or rolled up just the way you like them. These little things that you do for each other show you care, and they make you feel good, too.
3) Share the chores
Look for the guy (or be the guy) who cleans up after himself and let him. It’s okay if you have to ask him to do it, or teach him how to do it first. Some people need to be trained a little more than others, but no hassling him if he doesn’t do it your way. It’s the help that matters, not the technique.
And don’t let yourself get annoyed when your partner asks you to do something in a pinch, such as picking up the laundry or grabbing a gallon of milk at the market. Sharing the chores means you get things done conveniently for both of you. It also means you respect each other’s time and space, stepping in and stepping back as needed.
4) Don’t be in a rush to get married
Whether this is your first or second attempt at wedded bliss, don’t hurry that walk down the aisle. Enjoy each other’s company alone and with friends first. Explore interests that you share and those that you don’t, without trying to be what you’re not. Rather, accept the wonder of your differences. Assess your values. Make sure you both communicate on adult terms and not on the emotionally-charged ones you may have used with a prior partner. If your gut tells you, “No match here,” be willing to listen and strong enough to move on.
5) Fight fair
The first rule of relationships should be: Listen. You can avoid most arguments by actively listening to your mate and letting him clarify the meaning, and vice versa. Each of you likely has a valid point of view. You don’t even have to agree. You just want to be
sure you heard correctly so that there are fewer misunderstandings. Listening is a sign of respect, which goes a long way toward preserving a relationship. That should be your ultimate goal.
6) Respect each other’s interests
You have your friends. He has his. The same with your interests. They don’t always intersect. But partnering shouldn’t mean you have to give that up. Continuing to enjoy time alone, by yourself, and with your friends ensures you continue having interesting things to discuss when you return for time together. Give each other space to let that happen. And never push your partner into doing something you know he or she doesn’t enjoy.
7) Give up on the ideal
Young couples have fun ways of creating fantasy. They see their lives together as going or looking a certain way. At some point, you’ll realize life doesn’t always work out the way you envisioned, that the ideal doesn’t really exist. Don’t let that scare you. Life is not meant to be static. That doesn’t mean you give up. It just means you can be flexible now. It’s going to be okay if plans you had in mind don’t actually come to fruition. This is your time to learn to relax, make new plans, and accept inevitable change.
8) Get rid of guilting and shaming
Trying to guilt or shame your partner into getting what you want or doing what you want serves no one, least of all you. This kind of manipulation can actually tear a relationship apart by building mistrust. Instead, be authentic. Get real. Just ask for what you want clearly and openly. Then accept the answer given to you. It may not always be what you desire. But it will be okay, regardless. And who knows? You may be happily surprised.
9) Love means letting go of the past
You’re going to have arguments. Some of them will be huge. He’ll yell. You’ll yell. There may be the slamming of a door. The kids will run and hide, or peek out the crack of a doorway to make sure all is going to be okay. It will if, afterward, you remember this one important thing: Let go of your anger. It’s okay to feel it. It’s not okay to hold onto it. That’s destructive, both to you and the relationship. Apologize for the disruption and then think like you’re a character in Frozen. Let it go.
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